On this day...

Had I known that satan was after me yesterday, I would not have worn my loyal black bra. I would not have worn my new black and yellow tights which introduced the world to my buttocks after two seconds. I would not have bothered to paint my eyebrows or waste foundation that I had to save for three months to get. I would have stayed in bed, watching TikTok videos while releasing silent killer bombs inside the bedsheets.

I woke up bloated yesterday morning after a night of drinking several glasses of snake tears, rice and beans. My stomach was so big I had to check my calendar to confirm whether I had entertained the one eyed guest of honor and it's liquid children. But there was no need to check because the last time I hosted such a fellow, the year was 1950 just before colonizer declared a state of emergency.

So now I'm in the kitchen with my big stomach full of gas. Satan, whispers to me " drink ACV with mother you will feel better". Without a second thought, I mixed the acv with warm water and proceeded to sip the concortion as I watched Merry Men on Netflix because everytime I watch Jim Iyke, my thighs shake in a manner that does not please the Lord. 

Two hours later I decided ah! It is time for me to disturb the entire town. My loyal black bra that collects my breasts from the floor and lifts them to the skies CHECK✅, my black and yellow tights that suffocate my Government meat well CHECK✅, two layers of foundation that costed a kidney and secondary virginity CHECK✅, painted eyebrows like those of Riggy G's wife CHECK✅. Ah!  

Mimi huyo in Kisii town, swinging hips this way and that way, rolling eyes up and down, chewing gum tau tau, blinking after every microsecond... Yaani I was there walking in slow motion, feeling myself like those girls in Nigerian music videos. Eh! Things were so good that I could hear vehicles hooting behind me because Niko tu sawa design ya fine thank you.

Aya, I stood by the road side as I prepared to cross the road opposite National bank. As I waited, boychild driving Audi parked behind me. Satan told me "drop your house keys, bend sloooooooooowly to pick them, on your way back up shake nyash small". I followed Satan's instructions to the latter. Boychild of Audi even switched on full lights because where there is nyash, common sense don leave head for boychild. In a minute, boychild was standing next to me offering to take me out for lunch. Me I was just smiling like a goat because he is black and black men finish me completely.

Just as we were about to exchange numbers, my stomach started to gruuuu gruuuuuu gruuuuuuu gruuuuuuuu. I started sweating immediately. My knees felt weak. Boychild was now looking at me with a concerned face, I was seeing Angel Gabriel eating groundnuts on top of the Audi. My brain whispered to my ear, "I know you want to fart, please don't, it's a scam." Do you guys remember the ACV demon I had sipped in the morning...it was about to do that thing. I was trying really hard to pose sexily, my stomach still gruuuu gruuuing, my brain warning me against farting, and boychild here wants a selfie with agal toto😩.

As we speak, I'm sleeping outside the toilet, head resting on a box of Toilex tissues😩, sipping salt flavoured water. I can't feel my knees and my heart is beating extra fast. Don't ask me what happened yesterday.

Ah! One moment, I was feeling like the next Mrs. Audi, the other I was catwalking to the washrooms, hands firmly pressed against my thuthas to avoid a tragic public explosion. I spent a good 45 minutes in the toilet crying " I don't want to die" in between driving and releasing dangerous gases. On the 46th minute, I stepped out, walking legs apart like I had been stung by a porcupine, minus one eyebrow and I smell funny🤮. Guess who was at the parking lot waiting for me, holding my slaying bag and one sandal, boychild of Audi🙆🤦. 

Ah! Village witches, village witches, village witches, how many times have I called you?

©️Village Girl Thoughts and Dreams