There is a whole side of cheating rather than the physical I found you in bed engulfed in another woman’s arms. Cheating can be physical, yes, but it can also be emotional as well as psychological. While physical cheating is what makes most relationships end on account of getting caught; emotional cheating is what results toa disconnect between partners. It results to lack of trust, insecurity and constant feeling of guilt. Let me define emotional cheating…
To me, it is when you give someone else the attention that is supposed to be your partner’s. You tell this person everything your partner is supposed to know, you trust them with all elements of your life and in short, you use this particular person to fill the void that your partner should ultimately be in. You give this person the power to make you happy and sad as they deem fit and your partner ends up being the other partner in the picture. Here comes in the psychological cheating, where you think of someone else (not your partner) in a romantic and sexual way. This is where people end up calling Peter instead of John when they have sex. Or Mary instead of Jane.
I was once a victim of emotional cheating. Then, babe (let's call him Max) and I had been having problems and although we tried to talk them out, things were not getting any better. As a result, when this other tall, dark and handsome guy came along, I was too quick to allow him into my life. We talked much and built a relationship. Max did not notice at all, funny we used to meet every day and have long walks from 5 pm to around 6:30pm but babe would not even sense something was amiss.
He was too preoccupied with his stuff and let’s be honest; his preoccupied nature was our problem. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday… I started developing feelings for this guy ( I wouldn’t exactly say feelings, it was just a tingling sensation when we hugged which I don’t like feeling. This is exactly why I don’t give men full hugs) and in return, he started pressing me to dump Max and date him.
This was not the first time someone asked me to leave him and whenever someone asked me to; I would remember one fateful Sunday in December when I was freezing in his place in tears asking him for forgiveness for something I did in high school and asking him to formally be my boyfriend. I don’t care what anyone thinks; I handpicked my boyfriend from the crowd and during that year, I stalked him and learned his patterns- I clarified that he was the best for me (This was the first time I was asked to leave him).
On Friday, full of guilt, I decided to tell Max the truth. I had cheated on him. Of course, I didn’t give him the big picture and he just told me to stop talking to the guy and we were cool. (I had not slept with the guy). That Friday evening, I went home hoping that my revelation would switch things up with boo but everything was the same. He wasn’t communicating; no calls and I just wanted someone to talk to. Sunday morning, I texted the guy hey.
Back to school that evening, Max was trying to get something close to my phone and I shook. 'What is this you are hiding that nikikaribia simu yako unashtuka?' That is how it started and it ended with him having read all the texts with the guy. He was dead ass angry. ‘You told this guy our problems, you were actually entertaining the thought of being with this man?’ The blow was a text where I told the guy I was confused on whether I was to pick my boyfriend or him. Worse, I had texted him that morning even after we had agreed I shouldn’t. My boyfriend was furious and he asked me to leave his place. He ‘sindikizad’ me actually and on the door to my place; he said it was over.
Let me be honest and say that that night was spent in tears. I think I even became dehydrated. I woke up with swollen eyes and made my way to his place to check up on him. He wasn’t there. I called him, he wouldn’t pick, I texted him, no reply. I left him a sticky note to apologize and pinned it at his door. At this point, I didn’t care I just wanted my Max back. That day I went to his place approximately 5 times and all through he wasn’t in until a little around 6:30. I was from having a walk around the school farm and I decided to stop by and leave my note. I did not find him but as I was leaving, I saw him.
He saw me and muttered ‘Ah, Fuck!’ under his breath. Let me be honest and admit that the phrase tore me apart. I felt stupid for tarnishing our relationship and I told him I just wanted to talk. He allowed me into his place but made it clear that I wasn’t to touch him. I apologized once more; a million times and I gave him all the reasons he should take me back. He said he needed time but I convinced him that time is what made us drift apart. We never took the time to fix our problems. He took me back indeed and gave me a stern warning. It was on 3rd May I remember. He cuddled me, we had a heart to heart conversation and left there later. Different, yes; but closer.
Would you tell your partner if you cheated?
Do you think that it’s the best thing to do?
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